a woman would like to increase her responsiveness during intercourse,
there is a simple (and pleasurable) three-phase process she can work
through with her partner that's sure to put more 'oh' in her Big O.
I know Hollywood exaggerates
everything, but I always see these images in movies of women having
mind-shattering, sheet-ripping orgasms. Mine, on the other hand ...
pleasant, but that's about it. I know it sounds selfish, but I'd like
the full roller-coaster ride! Is there anyway to increase my sensitivity
and the intensity of my orgasms?
Many women find that oral stimulation gives them the sensations that
lead to orgasm. The warmth, moisture, softness, and variability of such
stimulation create a unique sexual experience.
And while most women
find intercourse extremely pleasurable, it alone provides sensations
that only very indirectly stimulate the area of the clitoris. As
most men need direct stimulation to their penis to reach orgasm, most
women (about 70%) require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
That's because the clitoris and the penis are equivalent in their
capacity to receive sexual stimulation.
Nevertheless, if a woman
would like to try increasing her responsiveness during intercourse,
there are ways in which she can experiment that may lead to orgasm. In
general, when women reach orgasm during intercourse, during certain
parts of the sexual experience they pay more attention to pleasing
themselves than their partners.
You can go through a
three-phase process that can last days, weeks or months --depending on
your preference and progress. The overall idea is to gradually taper off
clitoral stimulation during intercourse as you go through the phases.
This process tends to work best if done with one partner and it can be
how it works:
- Phase One: Include
clitoral stimulation (by you or your partner) right through the end
of your orgasm while having intercourse. If the movements and
sensations of intercourse distract you from reaching orgasm, first
try simply inserting your partner's penis without intercourse
movements and then stimulate your clitoris. If that works, add
- Phase Two: Very
gradually, end the clitoral stimulation a little before the orgasm
and allow the thrusting to complete the orgasm.
- Phase Three: Increase
the length of time between the end of the clitoral stimulation and
the beginning of the orgasm even more than in Phase Two.
Move to the next
phase only when the previous non-clitoral stimulation was sufficient for
you to be orgasmic.
It's Not All
But developing your
responsiveness isn't just about what you can do with hands and bodies,
it's also about increasing the responsiveness and creativity of your
three-phase experiment, notice what's on your mind. Focus on the
pleasure sensations. Take the attitude that nothing else exists but that
moment. Probably the most powerful tool you have to enhance your sexual
pleasure is your ability to fill your mind with erotic images during
your sexual encounter. The fact that many women dream to orgasm from
time to time (and a few reach orgasm by fantasizing) tells us plainly
that we can really benefit if we "use our head."
Merge your mind with
your body's sensations. Or concentrate on sexual images you bring to
mind. They can be very real or fairly vague. You can develop complicated
plots or you can focus your mind's eye on one erotic image like a slide
projected on a screen.
combinations of fantasy styles and content are most arousing for you.
Bring them to mind as you experiment physically. Many women use such
fantasies during intercourse, once they know them, to
For tone and
strength, exercise your PC muscle (short for pubococcygeus). This is the
muscle that automatically contracts during orgasm. Work your way up
gradually to doing about 100 contractions of the muscle twice daily.
Don't know which muscle that is? It's the same one you squeeze to stop
the flow of urine midstream.
When you exercise
the PC muscle, you bring blood to it -- just like other muscles. When
more blood than usual collects in the pelvic area, it creates the
beginning physical sensation of sexual arousal. Contracting it more
brings more blood (up to a point) and therefore more arousal. Also, some
women find it easier to have orgasm during intercourse when their PC
muscle is well toned.
Don't be restricted
to one kind of movement during intercourse. Some women find side-to-side
movements more stimulating than in-and-out stimulation. When a penis is
fully inside their vagina, they can make circular motions to bring
themselves to orgasm. Others move their clitoris against the man's pubic
bone in an up-and-down motion while keeping the erection deep inside.
may be easier when the woman is on top, but can be done from underneath,
too. In both cases, women need to take responsibility for moving their
pelvis in ways that feel good, rather than in ways they think are
"normal" or ladylike. A great many women forgo sexual pleasure
because of reluctance to really take charge of what goes on.
Marc and Judith
Meshorer, in Ultimate Pleasure: The Secrets of Easily Orgasmic Women,
found in their study that easily orgasmic women were active partners and
did not passively wait for orgasm to wash over them as it does in the
movies. They anticipated, participated, and reciprocated to their
Give some or all of
these ideas a playful try. Approach them as an adventure and see if you
find that some of your orgasms can occur this way.
Louanne Cole Weston,
PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified
sex therapist in practice since 1983. Her work in the field of human
sexuality includes extensive experience as a therapist, educator, and